The Best Laid Plans...

I am a list maker. A planner. A reader of maps.

I do not like to go somewhere new unless I have the address in my GPS, the directions in my purse...and the person on the phone if possible. I don't like to be lost and I prefer to begin a trip with the destination in mind. You will likely never see me in a van (shag carpet optional) travelling across the country letting the open road tell me where to go...no open road directed adventures for me.

But things change...despite my best attempts to prevent them from doing so.

I've chosen to be a writer. Or, more accurately, writing has chosen me. And it would appear that in order to follow this dream...chase it down and beat it into submission, I must on some level give up my ability to control things. I can control what I write but I cannot control how it is received, who will publish it, what agent will be gracious enough to entertain my notions of future fame. I can control my level of discipline, my mastery of the craft and my commitment to my vision. But I cannot control when or if I will ever see my face on the shelves of Barnes & Noble. And since Oprah's gone off the air the whole Book of The Month club thing is pretty much out of my hands as well.

While I would love to say that I am handling this well, being mature and saying to myself...'self, accept the things you cannot control',  that would be a very large lie. I am often kicking, screaming, throwing myself to the floor and acting like a child. I do not like to give up control. I do not like leaving my fate in the hands of another. And I really don't like starting out on this path with no idea where it will take me.

These are all things that were flying through my brain this morning as I took to the road to run errands and clear my head. I was listening to Adele, thinking of the future and praying for inspiration. All I could seem to muster up was a fairly detailed grocery list. But right in between mentally writing down the frozen peas and the Diet Coke it dawned on me. Normally I hate when people use the phrase but I swear that's how it happened. One minute I was stuck in the gloomy space between discouragement and defeat and the next the fog lifted and clarity appeared.

I am a writer. If I do my job correctly there will be people around the world sitting down and agreeing to take the journey I recommend. They'll open my book and for whatever time they have, follow me through a maze of emotions and situations that are unfamiliar. And if I'm really good they'll get to the end and say "I didn't know this was where I was going to end up...but it was a really great ride!". I am asking them to trust that whatever angst I may take them through, my intent is to bring them to a place of satisfaction that makes the journey worth it.

I cannot ask the reader to do something that I, as the writer, am unwilling to do. There will be times, probably a lot of them, when I have no idea what is going to happen. There will be days when I'm going to have to start walking even if I can't see the staircase (MLK,Jr.). Needless to say...I am now sufficiently chastised.

So in 2 minutes I am going to start again. I'm going to take a deep breath, close my eyes and commit to enjoying the ride. Because, as E.L. Doctorow said, "Writing a novel is like driving a car at night. You can only see as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way."

5...4...3...2...1...Go!